I am finally feeling better! I had a rough week last week. It seems as though every other treatment really hits me hard and this was one of those. I was feeling yucky for 5 days and didn't do much, my stomach was off and I was just exhausted. I am doing better now though, and had a nice New Years Eve!
In all of my sitting around I have finally done some reading. My friend Sherri gave me this book, "When God and Cancer meet". It is the first book I have read since I got sick. I just haven't been able to concentrate well enough to read and this one finally caught my attention. The author had colon cancer when she was 36 and had 3 girls and our stories have so many parallels it was hard to put the book down.
This leads me to my next segway of my last chemo treatment. There was a woman who was being brought into one of the rooms they use as a recovery room for when you are having a rough bout with your treatment and need to come in for IV fluids and use a stretcher. This is where I ended up 2 days after my first treatment and I wondered if this was her first week as well. She was being wheeled in a wheel chair into one of these rooms sobbing and was on the phone. All I caught of the conversation was her saying, "All these people are praying for me, but how am I supposed to believe in God?"
I feel like maybe 10 years ago I would have been right there with her saying, yeah seriously?! But since I have found our church and really come to understand how God loves us I have a different perspective. I have a very different understanding of how God and Cancer work and after reading this book it has really helped me put into words how I have felt about everything I have been going through.
It is so much easier to just accept what has been handed to me and know that everything is out of my control. It sounds hard to do but once you do it, you feel a sense of relief and a weight lifted. I am not responsible or in control of my cancer. It didn't do anything to deserve this path I am on, it just is what it is. God is in control. It's kind of like when you're too tired to drive on a long road trip and you are so grateful that you have someone else entrusted with the job. I mean who can you trust more than God. You can just sit back, relax, dose off if you need to (I do a lot of dosing off) and just know that you have put your life in God's hands and it couldn't be more right. God will take me down the journey and I will get there how I get there and I will challenge Drs along the way and I will take responsibility for my path where I can but for the most part this is between cancer and God and I am ok with that. A higher power might as well be in control because this is too much for me to take on by myself even with my friends and family being behind me 110%!
Staying on the path, neither fiercely holding on tight to what could have been or was nor resisting what is to come is truly a balancing act of grace. Love you.
ReplyDeleteLeah you look and sound better/wiser than most "healthy" people. Happy New Year and God Bless.
ReplyDeleteWell put!!
ReplyDeleteAmen, Leah. We only think we're in control anyway. You are being prayed for all the time...remember, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." Jer.3:22-23
ReplyDeleteGod bless!
You continue to amaze me
ReplyDeleteThe book sounds comforting and I'm glad you've found another person you can identify so strongly with and learn from, even if it's a book and not in person. You are an amazing woman to be learning and growing from this experience already.
ReplyDeleteA college friend of mine dealt with cancer, and once the medical situation was dealt with and on the path it was on for better or worse, he sort of put his hands up and said, "Now I grow my soul." He took the time and effort, when he felt like it, to try new things and experience life to the fullest. It was incredibly inspiring to witness. I know you are not feeling your best a lot right now, but I feel you are still growing your soul in the ways you can right from whatever spot you're dozing in these days. Good for you. You are an inspiration!
The book sounds comforting and I'm glad you've found another person you can identify so strongly with and learn from, even if it's a book and not in person. You are an amazing woman to be learning and growing from this experience already.
ReplyDeleteA college friend of mine dealt with cancer, and once the medical situation was dealt with and on the path it was on for better or worse, he sort of put his hands up and said, "Now I grow my soul." He took the time and effort, when he felt like it, to try new things and experience life to the fullest. It was incredibly inspiring to witness. I know you are not feeling your best a lot right now, but I feel you are still growing your soul in the ways you can right from whatever spot you're dozing in these days. Good for you. You are an inspiration!
Hang onto faith dear one! You are in my heart and prayers. Here's to a good round on Tuesday!
ReplyDeletexxoo