chemo brain

I tried to find a good definition of chemo brain for you all to explain what it is, but couldn't find anything I liked.  If you haven't heard of it, it's something that anyone who has been through chemo can identify with.  It's very similar to having "mommy brain" after the stress and shock of having a baby and living off of no sleep.  I believe for cancer survivors it's the lack of brain cells after chemo and the excuse for forgetting things or having moments of complete confusion.  Now I'm sure the fact of actually having cancer stresses one out and is also a factor in this.  Anyway, I have had plenty of moments where I have claimed chemo brain in the past few months and I'm sticking to the fact that it's a real thing!  I won't embarrass myself too much here, but repeating the same thing to someone moments after I've told them something or completely forgetting a lunch date with a good friend are a few things I've done recently and I am not proud of. 

I think I'm pretty lucky if the only side effects i'm still experiencing from chemo are lack of brain cells and neuropathy.  I have been running and done up to 3 miles several days a week and feel fantastic afterward!  Although facing surgery isn't something i'm excited about, I now understand why they had me wait 6 weeks after chemo, because i'm strong now and I feel like I can handle it. 

I had a bit of a revelation today while at my drs appointment.  Perhaps I can blame chemo brain for this not occurring to me until now.  The gyn onc was reviewing the consent form and all the possible things that could go wrong during surgery.  This didn't really phase me as I know the risks from last time and I can't focus on them or give them much thought or I'll drive myself crazy.  Meanwhile I'm continuing to stay focused on the fact that the Dr just told me I can't eat the day before surgery or the day of.  I went 6 days last time without eating so I am sitting there telling myself this should be no big deal but yet dreading those 2 days of no food.   I looked over at my mom and could just read the look on her face as complete fear and compassion.  She on the other hand is not able to stop thinking about the risk factors of surgery on her only daughter.   She is constantly telling me how strong I am and how she doesn't know how I can remain so strong through everything I've been through.  Until Today I hadn't given too much thought about being in her position because it's too painful.  To imagine one of my children going through what I'm going through and to not be able to to take away their pain or fears is just unimaginable.  So I think of all people, myself included, she has the toughest job.  At a support group I go to we were discussing how you can never really "let go" of your kids, you are always going to be worrying about them and thinking about them no matter how old they are.  I don't think anyone can really understand this unless they are a mother or father.  So anyway, I figured it appropriate with mothers day around the corner to give credit to all the mothers out there who have had to go through what my mom has gone through, you are amazing and incredibly strong!