terminally ill

What is it like to live every day knowing that you have a disease that at this point in time, is likely going to take over your body and take your life?  I am not sure yet.  Last year when I was diagnosed I was sure that I could beat this and that by now I would have had my life back, but such is not the case.  I always go through the what ifs but I don't know that I'd be in any different place than I am now, and so therefore it is a moot point and shouldn't have my time and energy wasted on it. 

I do believe in miracles, I see them every day.  I get letters in the mail with people whose lives I have effected in the hugest way because of what I'm going through and how I'm handling it, those are all little miracles.  I believe in acceptance and hope and those are a tough balance.

I have two little miracles say "good morning mommy" every day and if those amongst the others are the only miracles I'm meant to have in this life then so be it.  I  said to my pastor the other day that perhaps God created cancer as a way to bring us all home.  When you are suffering like I am, you can't help but imagine that there has to be more to our lives than just our time here on Earth.  I am not saying I'm giving up, like I said I have hope but I also have acceptance. 

I continue to get heart felt letters, prayers, cards, emails, texts and it's all what keeps me going.  I haven't really been able to talk on the phone much, a little too emotional, but these other means of communication are very therapeutic for me and I greatly appreciate them all.  I apologize I am not being very good about responding but I am tired, and sick and don't have much energy.

I did have a paracentisis Friday (drainage of fluid) and was able to have a decent day yesterday.  I spent a lot of time out in the sun, although I have to be laying down most of the time beause of my nausea.  I have been able to go on very small walks with breaks in the middle but I'm trying to get out when I can, although I really don't feel up for much.