I have been putting off blogging, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. The scan showed growth in existing tumors and also showed new growth in my liver. I think the most upsetting part is that it has spread to a new organ. I remember when I discussed doing an alternative method with Bryan he expressed concern about it spreading while off chemo. I hadn't even really thought about it, spreading. Once again I wasn't even thinkin about that being a possibility but alas that's what happened. I was kind of expecting the existing growth, but not this.
I don't want to give up hope but it is so discouraging! Of course the Dr wanted me to do chemo and I told her no way that was happening today. We decided to just wait another month, do another scan and then discuss.
I am having a really hard time with this news. My son was just potty trained and it feels like he's really turning into a boy. When I think about what is happening in my life right now the only way I can think of to describe the pain is to say that it feels like my children are being taken from me. I so badly want to see him as a teenager or meet his grand kids but there is just such a slim chance of that happening. I want to see my little princess get married and even just go to prom and see her get so excited about the shoes and dresses! It feels like all of that is being stolen and it is the most painful worse feeling I can ever describe.
I also of course am terrified of how I will die. I can't be on chemo until I die but also know how sick I will eventually get while off it.
I wanted to explain to my daughter why I've been crying all afternoon. I told her that I was told by the dr that my new medicine isnt working yet and it makes me very sad. She turned to me, smiled and said well then it will work eventually just wait longer and hopped off my lap. Lets just hope it's that simple.
words elude me...sending prayers...
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ReplyDeleteWe all love you Leah and we know you're doing the best you can. You have made the best decisions you could possibly make given this diagnosis. Please know we feel for you. I personally wish I could take away your pain and uncertainty. I will continue to pray for you. Your children are a wonderful gift that will continue being as beautiful as they are because you are their mother. I am always here for you and I look forward to seeing you in 2 weeks!!!!
ReplyDeleteLeah, don't worry about your blog and letting us down, yor don't need any more worries. We think of you every day...and your great courage.
ReplyDeleteLeah, I weep as I read this. You don't deserve the pain emotionally or physically. It doesn't make sense... I am so sorry to hear there was growth :( My heart goes to you and positive thoughts and prayers are sent your way.
ReplyDeleteYou are the best Mommy and I always enjoy hanging out with you and your family and seeing how much fun you have with your kiddos. I have faith you will fight this and we are all here for you as support and encouragement. You are a warrior, my friend. Wish I was in Ri to give you a big hug.
xo's! Love, Brenna
It seems just to take a bit where you can feel cheated, let down by your body and this world, as well as jealous for all of those that do not know this struggle. None of what you’re going through seems fair, but if you can come to accept the transition, death will not be terrible, because you’ll approach it with serenity, courage, and a curiosity for what lies next, which will allow your soul to rise above the physical anchor and all of the pain that comes with it. I could be wrong, but it would seem that if you could grieve this life now then every day might become a windfall rather than something to cling to that is slowly slipping away. Honestly, I would wish that for anyone, sick or healthy, as this life isn’t guaranteed to any of us. But this isn't my struggle, and I could never know. The one thing I do know is that it’s through those children, who will live those milestones holding tight to your love and memory, that ensures you’ll always be there with them, and with us, sharing those moments no matter what happens. Know that we’ll never let go of you Leah! -Love you, Sarah
ReplyDeleteLeah, You can never let any of us who read your words down. You have always openly shared your thoughts and your heart with all of us. There aren't many people who can unselfishly share their hopes and fears as you have. You have been dealt a hand in this life that would have already caused most of us to crumble. You have dealt with every step of your journey with strength of spirit and grace. That doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to cry and scream and shout and admit that you feel miserable when you do. It means that you are honest in who you are, and you are blessed in your ability to take your situation and always find a way to rise above it. You may not be able to control it, but you have never let it destroy your beautiful essence. And I doubt that you ever will.
ReplyDeleteYou are always in my thoughts,
Missy
I agree 100% with what Missy said so beautifully.
ReplyDeleteI think many of the encouraging comments people leave on your posts are good for all of us readers/family/friends to read. Though it's not always easy to publicly share thoughts, and I know I am guilty of that and often prefer to personally talk with you. --I know it helps me, thank you everyone :)
My heart breaks for you Leah, but that in no way means I am giving up. There is just some new information (some of what was expected and some not) and you've got to keep on making the best decision with what you know at the time. You've got my support and my admiration and love.
Leah,
ReplyDeleteI couldn't even read this in one read....as a mother I feel your pain and your worries but I don't for one second pretend that I know how you feel. You cannot get discouraged or give up hope, that's not you. You have always been a fighter and a very strong one at that. There are so many people out there who are always thinking of you and your family and praying for you too. Even in your darkest of times you continue to inspire me and soooo many others. The old saying is "out of the mouths of babes, come the truth" I'm going to put all my faith and prayers in the few little words that Ellie said to you. Her personality is positive and so sweet, just like her momma. Plain and simple.......
<3 Dawn
Leah...the Bible says to rejoice with those who rejoice and to weep with those who weep.My heart is so very sad that you got this news today. But I agree with all the others who wrote that you are an amazing wife, mom, woman. I pray that you would put all your trust and hope in that One who died for sinners that they would live forever. I don't know your future here...I don't know my future here. But as it says in the book of Romans "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope". I ask the Lord that He will guide you, comfort you and strengthen you. Blessings on you and Bryan and your sweet children.
ReplyDeleteOut of the mouths of babes. We'll all pray that Elly is right. xo
ReplyDeleteLeah I sometimes put off reading because I'm afraid to know so I can't imagine how you feel…you are juggling so much, please give yourself a break. I've always thought a lot of you as a person and when you became a mom and wife, I was really wowed. I want you to be there for every event too…but for now just keep being the most awesome mom we all know and see through their eyes and know you are shaping who they are and will be…sending prayers and hugs, Coll
ReplyDeleteLeah I can't imagine what you must be going through. Reading your blog, although incredibly hard, is so inspiring to me. You have such amazing strength and courage to deal with all of this! There is no right answer... Only the answer that makes the most sense for you and your family. We support whatever path you take and please know that if you ever need help in any way you only have to ask. -Dani
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine the pain of this. It's unfair and I hate it. I will be praying for you. Love you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all the others... don't stop writing what you feel... and don't hesitate to lean on others...all of us... tell us what you need..... remember our labyrinth walk... my rock was "adjust" .... so new news..."adjust"
ReplyDeletekiki
Hi Leah,
ReplyDeleteI'm just "checking in" to say Hello. It's probably been an emotional and draining week for you. I'm sure you will be comfortable in whatever plan of action you decide on. And we, your extended friends, will indeed support you. Hope that you have been able to rest some, too. Thinking of you lots!
Missy
Thinking of you always Leah.
ReplyDeleteLori
Gosh Leah you have been such an amazing tower of strength that I cannot imagine that you will not be able to pull through this set back. The prayer train is all over this one I am sure. You have so much going on in your life with your beautiful children and your main squeeze Brian. You are always on my mind and in my prayers! You know we are all a phone call away. I am thinking we need to go get ice cream in the near future so that we can all have a feel good moments and share it with you Ellie and Drew. If there is anything we can all do to help you know we will be all over it. God is the quarterback on this one and we are just his team. Let him lead us to the win! Love you! Take care!-Deb V
ReplyDeleteHi Leah,
ReplyDeletePlease don't feel like you are disappointing any of your blog followers by not updating. This is your journey to share as you desire. We only wish you healing and comfort. I hope this quick note offers you a small measure of the support and love I am sending your way. Enjoy these beautiful summer days.
LizG