grass is always greener

You ever play that game, "would you rather?"  Sometimes I do it with cancer.  I have to say, cancer always loses.  I would always rather have something else that doesn't involve death at the end, obviously.  So like the title of this post, the grass is always greener.  Obviously these other ailments I come up with involve pain and suffering but they're not what I have, or what I've experienced so it must not be as bad, but who knows.  We all have our ailments we suffer with and have to deal with and life just isn't fair, I learned that one a while ago.

It isn't without its blessings though.  We have this book we've been working on with my daughter Elly, who is 5.  The book is about someone with a serious illness in the family and it is made for children to cope with loss and change.  It asks her to lists the changes our family has gone through since I became sick and then we circle those changes based on how hard they are for her or possibly put boxes around them if they are good changes.  We decided my mom moving in was a good change and that me not working anymore was a good thing because I got to spend more time with her.  The hard to deal with changes were that mommy used to be happy and that mommy goes to the Dr a lot and that is hard for her.  The fact that my daughter thinks I used to be happy was a really hard one for me.  But this book in itself is a blessing if we can work through these things together.

I have to say I am usually in a pretty bad mood the sunday before monday chemo.  Need I explain more on that?   I had a good week, I was really active and it was great to be out of the house so much because all last week I was in bed and I imgaine that this next week will be the same.  I cancelled my MRI apt on friday because it was supposed to be gorgeous out and I did not want to spend one of my "good" days at Dana Farber!!!  I went shopping instead!  Of course one reason I cancelled is because my leg wasn't bothering me much and then last night I ended up in the chair again because of it, go figure.  I really think I have a tumor pushing on a nerve and if the MRI confirmed that, honestly I'm not sure what good that would do me.  When the nurse requested the MRI she didn't go over what it would show and how it would be helpful, that would have been too convenient.

I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping, I am completely exhausted and wiped on and off throughout the day and for some reason I have trouble sleeping at night.  Even my good week involves only being able to do short lengthed activities and needs to involve a lot of sitting or laying down.  Because of this I need help with the kids even on my good weeks.  I am still working on gaining back my strength from when I got really sick a month or so ago and lost lots of muscle.  My kids are too heavy for me to carry most of the time which always makes me sad.  Part of that is that they're getting bigger but my son is only 3!  He is allowed to want to be carried still I think.

As I'm blogging this I'm feeling like i'm just starting to list a bunch of complaints so I feel as though I should end this.  We had an amazing night last night at a friends house doing a bondfire and singing and prayer for me.  What a blessing to have so many that show their love constantly and lighten my heart.  Thanks everyone who came.  Let's focus on the good!