sitting by the fire

It seems as though it is finally going to warm up a little toward the end of the week, but it's been in the 30s at night here and that's cold!  I went to a restaurant where you can sit outdoors and since it's been chilly they warm you up as you can see in the photo, kinda cool.

I did get reservations for me and my mom to take a balloon ride on Thursday morning, bright and early, they like to go before sunrise so that will be kinda cool to see.  My friend is letting me borrow her camera so I can take better pictures.

It has been relaxing out here, I went to a vegan restaurant last night that is right next door to an Italian restaurant.  They have an arrangement where you can go next door and order the vegan food and have them serve it to you at the Italian place so you can eat with people who are ordering the Italian food.  I thought that was pretty cool!  And to fit in at the Italian place I ordered a vegan lasagna which was really good!

The sun doesn't seem to be out today, but I when it is I will have to find a rock!  I heard it is snowing back home, so I won't complain!

Tis the season

My mom and I arrived safely in Tucson last night, late, way too late.  I am adjusting to the time change and I am still tired from the trip.  Got to go to Trader Joe's today.  I say "got to" because the one at home is not anywhere near my house and I love going to that store and getting fun organic vegan stuff.  Anyway, just wanted to check in and let everyone know I'm alive and well and I hope to have some fun pictures for everyone this week.  Here is one I took down the street from my mom's house, thought this was so cute and seasonal!

I have had a life long dream of going on a hot air balloon ride, they have them here in the winter and I am looking into it but not sure if I can make it happen, that would be some awesome photos, too bad I forgot my camera!  At least I have my Iphone.

Unfortunately it is supposed to be in the 50s here this week, and rain tomorrow, but I am determined to find some sunshine and a warm rock!

Pink Tip #4

GPS yourself, this is what the book calls it.  The book says, "Meet yourself where you are in this journey.  The cancer trip is an up and down road--some days you're strong and ready, other days you're weak and want to give up.  Find out where you are on any given day emotionally and go from there."

I think back on how sick I was when I started chemo again.  I feel so much better now, and can't believe what I went through.  If I knew the chemo was going to work and how much better I'd feel I wouldn't have been so torn about doing it, but alas, there is no crystal ball is there?

 Well speaking of GPS, I am heading to Tucson next week on Saturday, for a week.  I can NOT wait to soak up some sun.  My mother in law is coming out to help with the kids and just my mom and I are going.  Then I get to fly back with my brother!  How lucky am I??  I feel like i'm finally getting over this awful cold and hope I can be in decent health to go for long walks in the sun and just be outside, maybe go find my rock to lay on in the desert!

I have chemo monday and I am NOT looking forward to it.  I just feel so sick by the end of the treatment that I can't wait to just get home and go to bed.  I keep making appointments to get drained and then cancel them because I just don't feel like there is enough there. I think there is a little bit but not enough to go through the awful procedure. The further I get away from it the more I don't ever want to do it again.  It has been almost 6 weeks I think, and I am so grateful I don't have to go twice a week like I was doing, that was awful! 

Thanksgiving

I don't think I'll be eating Turkey this year for the first time ever at Thanksgiving.  Of course every holiday is a little different for me from now on anyway.  How much is a little bit of turkey going to matter.

I was trying to find a great thankful quote to put up for today but I couldn't find anything that I thought was good enough.  I guess the bottomline is that we all have something to be thankful for.  The more we say thanks the less we are complaining and being ungrateful.  So let's all find a few things to be thankful for today!

I am thankful that the chemo seems to be working!  I am grateful that I have heat and a home especially when it is so cold and rainy!  I am thankful for my family and friends that have been such a great support to me!  I am thankful for my children who make me smile every day. 

Pink Tip #3

Let It Go- Much of the cancer journey is out of my control.  The book says, Nobody plans to have cancer.  I like that, I have always felt it is necessary to Let go and Let God.  This also ties in with the serenity prayer. 

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." Charles Darwin

We definitely have to adapt and go with the flow, othwerwise we're going upstream against the current and it just makes everything more difficult and challenging.  Here is another quote I like from the book:

When you're finished changing, you're finished." Benjamin Franklin

pink tip #2

Pink Tip #2
It is impossible to go over or under a cancer diagnosis you have to go through it.  I think I wrote the quote a while back, "the only way out is through".  I feel like this is another way of saying that.  And taking one day at a time is a great way of doing this, that's what I have to do.

"Sometimes courage does not roar.  Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow."  Maryanne Radmacher

pink tips

My cousin Rachael gave me this book that her friend gave to her to give to me.. you follow that?  Anyway, cool thing is the author signed it and wrote a note personally to me!   The book is called Pink Tips and is tips for someone going through breast cancer.  Although I do not have that type of cancer a lot of the tips are for someone going through cancer in general and I found them really insightful.  Also there are some amazing quotes she has in there too.  I want to share some of this with you over the next few days posting parts of this book because it was that good. 

The first part I liked was the section about "Just showing up"  It basically says you don't have to have all the answers for your friend going through cancer, just show up for them and help them fight it.  I have had so many friends and family do this for me and it is true, just being there, whether you know what to say or not, and let's face it, no one knows what to say, just show up and you don't have to say anything at all!

 My aunt who has ovarian cancer that I am very close with is going to have to go back into treatment.  I of all people don't even know what to say to that.  It just sucks, what else is there to say.  But I can give her a huge hug and tell her I'm here.  So that's what I do. 

"Success is not in getting a winning hand but playing a bad hand well."  Robert Louis Stevenson 

stories

I have had a few people around my age tell me recently that they have had colonoscopies in the past year.  I was pretty surprised, but so glad to hear that my story had prompted them to take action and make sure they didn't have anything like cancer going on with their bodies.  I am so taken aback by stories like these where I feel like I made a difference in someones life without really even doing anything!

And I am so glad to hear that people are being proactive and learning from my mistakes, that's all that I could ask for.  Thankfully no one ended up in my situation but that's the point right to be PRO-active before anything turns into cancer!

I have had a cold for over 2 weeks and it just makes everything a little more difficult. It seems so petty to complain about a cold but whatever, I am on chemo and everything is pretty crappy.  I am sometimes sleeping in a bed now, when I can tolerate the pain on my side.  One side is tolerable, the other is not.

I did not get drained when I had my chemo this week.  I missed my apt because everything took so long but there really isn't anything there to drain.  I am also not sad to have missed out on that experience!  I hope I never have to do it again but there might be a tiny bit there that will never go away without doing it, we will see.  It's so hard to tell.

A very cloudy dreary day here in RI, I hope there is sunshine where you are!

Save the Date!

This is Leah’s friend Kim again.

I’ve had the wonderful privilege of working with Leah at SEA Corp for several years.  Many of our coworkers at SEA Corp have enlisted the help of several of her friends and family to organize an event in support of Leah called Band Together for Leah.

It will take place at the Elk’s in Newport  on January 18^th from 6-10:30pm. There will be live music (Bow to Your Sensei!, HAZMAT, and The Merge), raffles, silent auctions, cash bar, food, and good times!

The details aren’t finalized yet, but we’re looking into pre-selling tickets to prevent reaching over capacity at the venue. We’ll make another post when things are finalized, and in the meantime you can check out the Facebook page.

Serenity Prayer

Does everyone know the Serenity Prayer?  I have found myself saying it lately and I really like it, it is very soothing to me.  For those that don't know it:

 "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  The courage to change the things I can.  And the wisdom to know the difference."

I looked up the definition of serenity:

se•ren•i•ty (səˈrɛn ɪ ti)

n.

the state or quality of being serene; tranquillity

 

Aww serene and tranquil, doesn't that sound nice?  I just find this prayer so fitting to my situation and I'm sure anyone can probably apply it to their life.  There are a lot of things I have to accept that I cannot change in my life.  There are definitely things I do have control of, and I try to take the courage to change these for the positive like my attitude and outlook.  And it is sometimes difficult to distinguish what I can control and change.  I like the idea of asking God for help in this area and just wanted to share my thoughts with all of you :)

Snow

I haven't posted in a while.  I feel like every day brings a new challenge or ailment and it is never ending.  I have been getting out a little more the past few days which is nice.  I feel accomplished if i can make plans and follow through regardless of how I'm feeling.  Today it is snowing and it makes me a little anxious about the winter.  My neuropathy has gotten significantly worse and the cold does not help.   Brrrrr

Nausea

Nausea seems to be my new friend.  I haven't had a great past few days but I did get to sit in the sun yesterday.  I have, I believe, mastered flushing and removing my own pump which is a relief.  I got scared last time and had to call Bryan home.  This time I waited for him to be around and was able to do it.  I got a crash course from the nurse last time on a pretend port.  It's pretty easy once you know what you're doing.  It was more the removal than the flushing that scared me.

The Dr confirmed that if the ascites (fluid) has remained at bay that the chemo is working!  Also she said she thought the tumors were smaller.  She mentioned something about taking a break period at some point from chemo so that was nice to hear.  I'm sure it's way down the road.  Also my next scan will be Dec 9.

sometimes I like to curl up in a ball

My kids have this book called, Sometimes I like go curl up in a ball, by Vicki Churchill and Charles Fuge. I have been thinking about this book for months.  The beginning and ending are my favorite.
   " Sometimes I like to curl up in a ball so no one can see me because I'm so small.  But when the day ends and the sun starts to fall, then I do what I do best of all,I find somewhere soft, somewhere cozy and small and that's where I like to curl up in a ball."
I don't know if it is the comfort of the fetal position or the feeling of being warm and cozy but I have been very sad that I cannot curl up in a ball.  Because of the size and location of my tumors I can't curl up or lay on my sides.  So this is one of my goals, to be able to curl up in a ball at some point, in the sun!

I am on my way to chemo in my nice new van my dad generously bought us.  Had a good day yesterday.  Still minimal fluid build up!  I do have a cold so let's hope that doesn't turn into
anything else.  Enjoy the sun for me while I am stuck inside all day!

Taking names- part 2

A big THANK YOU to everyone who submitted their names to help with a project I'm working on (see post from October 2nd http://leahstatus.blogspot.com/2013/10/taking-names.html).

 I was extremely touched by every single email that either contained a name or in some cases a story of how they knew Leah or their positive wishes for her and her family (this was not necessary or expected, just something I enjoyed reading and of course I don't think anyone cares less if they didn't share a story). As a friend, I am sooo happy she has a wonderful group of people rooting for her and I am so glad you all know what a special person she is.

There were people who hadn't met Leah but followed her story because they knew a family member or friend and their hearts went out to her, and that is exactly what I was looking for and wish to include.

There is still time if you want your name involved but haven't emailed me yet.
I was hoping to have it done by now and be able to post a picture on the blog (the names will not be readable in the picture for privacy), but I am so sorry I have been very busy. And I don't think I allowed for enough time for people to email anyway, so I'll extend the deadline a little longer.

Please stay tuned for the finished product.

Thanks!!
Leah's friend, Kim

welcome to my head

So when I do the meditation, this is where I am.  This is a place about 15 mins from my house where I grew up swimming.  And it is even more amazing in person.  This is the exact spot I pretend I am on when I let my mind wander and escape from my cancer.  The rocks soak up the sun and heat me from the back while the sun heats me up on top!

 And these are some of my fam that came to enjoy the scenery on this freezing cold day. 

I still don't have any fluid build up that I can tell anyway.  I am dissapointed that I haven't been feeling very good in my tummy despite this.  I thought the cramping and discomfort all along was the fluid and now i'm still experiencing these symptoms so I'm not sure if it's the chemo or what, but I haven't felt great the past few days.  I also am not excited about the cold, I am thinking a winter Arizona trip will be in order at some point!

Something wonderful is happening

My mom bought me this mediation CD.  I am not normally that accepting of trying meditation but I tried it and loved it.  It is a meditation specifically for someone with cancer going through chemo.  At one point during the meditation the woman mentions of something wonderful taking place.  This phrase is very emotional for me as I feel as if something wonderful has finally happened to me.

 I was drained on Monday and I haven't developed much fluid.  Last time I was drained, this many days later I had a significant amount of fluid and would be uncomfortable by now.  I slept on my side for a little bit last night and it wasn't painful! I also had a wonderful massage today at the healing co op and was able to lay on my stomach to get my back massaged, I can't remember the last time I was able to lay on my stomach!   And the best part of all, I was able to hold my son, I haven't been able to pick him up and hold him in over a month!!  I feel as though these are all signs that the chemo is working!!  Something wonderful is happening!

So much sun!

This fall has been unbelievable, there is just so much sun!  I found myself outside today every chance I got.  I followed the sun as it inched off our front patio, like a cat, curled up letting it soak into my back.  The ultimate heating pad!  I am now sitting in a meditative position on my front lawn with the sun striking my face.  Feels amazing!

I have been struggling with my nutrition.  I'm the girl who claimed she was going to juice, juice and more juice!  I am nauseas most of the time which makes eating in general difficult!  I haven't been very good about eating veggies lately, shhh don't tell my brother.  He went home for a few weeks to take care of some things but plans to come back in a week for a longer stay.  I need his influence!  Did you know he tells me how and why each vegetable is good for me when I eat them, how encouraging is that!  I feel like my 4 year old!

I have my second round of chemo tomorrow, so I need prayers for getting through the day.  I have plans to get drained before.  The drainage is proving to be more nerve racking each time and I had a bad experience last time when I switched to newport hospital which is closer to home.  So I need prayers for my anxiety.

God bless!

walk a thon

A former employee of mine is organizing the below, I am going to try to make it but as I said in my last post I can't really get out much so if I can make a quick appearance I will:


WALK-A-THON
Portsmouth High School Track
October 19, 2013
1-4 PM
SPONSORED BY PORTSMOUTH HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADING

Making strides against cancer in the month of October is the mission of RIIL and schools across the nation. We all try to wear some form of pink at games and bring awareness to this disease. This year as in past years Portsmouth Cheerleading is selling Tee Shirts for the Healing Co-op in the name of Leah Ploutz and all Portsmouth Residents. We will be selling them at the Football games during the month of October and at our Walk-A-Thon on Saturday 19 October 2013. We will release memorial balloons for your family member or friend that has been stricken with this disease. There will be music, face painting, tumble track for the kids and more fun…….

Please Join Us At:
WHERE: PORTSMOUTH HIGH SCHOOL TRACK
WHEN: 19 OCTOBER 2013
TIME: 1-4
COST: $10 REGISTRATION FEE

TEE SHIRTS, REFRESHMENTS AND MEMORIAL Balloons WILL BE SOLD AT THE EVENT AND ALL PROCEEDS FROM THESE ITEMS WILL GO TO THE HEALING CO OP. Please forward all responses to Dvalente@seacorp.com or D. Valente, 117 Lewis Street, Tiverton, RI 02878 Checks made payable to Portsmouth Cheerleading note on remitter that it is for Healing Co op.

terminally ill

What is it like to live every day knowing that you have a disease that at this point in time, is likely going to take over your body and take your life?  I am not sure yet.  Last year when I was diagnosed I was sure that I could beat this and that by now I would have had my life back, but such is not the case.  I always go through the what ifs but I don't know that I'd be in any different place than I am now, and so therefore it is a moot point and shouldn't have my time and energy wasted on it. 

I do believe in miracles, I see them every day.  I get letters in the mail with people whose lives I have effected in the hugest way because of what I'm going through and how I'm handling it, those are all little miracles.  I believe in acceptance and hope and those are a tough balance.

I have two little miracles say "good morning mommy" every day and if those amongst the others are the only miracles I'm meant to have in this life then so be it.  I  said to my pastor the other day that perhaps God created cancer as a way to bring us all home.  When you are suffering like I am, you can't help but imagine that there has to be more to our lives than just our time here on Earth.  I am not saying I'm giving up, like I said I have hope but I also have acceptance. 

I continue to get heart felt letters, prayers, cards, emails, texts and it's all what keeps me going.  I haven't really been able to talk on the phone much, a little too emotional, but these other means of communication are very therapeutic for me and I greatly appreciate them all.  I apologize I am not being very good about responding but I am tired, and sick and don't have much energy.

I did have a paracentisis Friday (drainage of fluid) and was able to have a decent day yesterday.  I spent a lot of time out in the sun, although I have to be laying down most of the time beause of my nausea.  I have been able to go on very small walks with breaks in the middle but I'm trying to get out when I can, although I really don't feel up for much.

Need a laugh? I did!

So I found myself texting my dear friend on the way home from chemo, the one who let us borrow her sweet ride.  I was telling her about chemo today and it occured to me you all might like this story.

I ended up taking a plethora of mind altering  drugs, only ones I know names of are Benadryl and morphine.  Anyway, at the end the very kind Irish looking nurse developed an Irish accent.  (Now you see why I told you I was on drugs).  But it was so real I was getting upset that no one else heard it.  I embarrassed the sweet thing and I am outraged that no one would admit they could hear it.  I debated googling signs to look for of a leprechaun.  I realized if I ever wanted to go home I'd better not push it for fear of being admitted for nothing to do with cancer!

Well before i made the nurse think im crazy i must have gotten her to like me because she got me another private room with bathroom and bed, score!  only thing is the pump i take home is a lot bigger, noisier and heavier than old one and i have detach it myself instead of havig nurse come.  that's all I've got, if I have the energy I will check in tmrw!