Vacation is over :(

We are on our way back from vacation.  I am dreading going home because it means I have to go back to reality, back to being a sick mom who is terrified of the future and what it holds.  I have a scan Friday and I'm expecting to see growth.  I have one tumor on my right side that has grown enough that I can't lay on that side anymore.  I continue to have trouble sleeping because I have pain down my leg and my back.  I think it is from the fluid I now have.  The fluid prevents me from sleeping on my back or stomach so it is definitely sleeping In the recliner for me.  Which will actually be nice, I could have used one on vacation.

Vacation was amazing.  We met Bryan's mom and step dad, dad and stepmom and his brother for the week up in the adirondacks at a lodge.  It is on a lake and there is a private beach and canoes and kayaks and lots of fun!!  Best part is it includes breakfast and dinner and they make great vegetarian meals!  It was so great to see my oldest at 5 playing and experiencing the place her dad grew up going on vacation at.  And of course my now 3 year old had a blast in the sand!

not feeling well really makes me scared.  It reminds me of last year in September when I was so sick and felt like I was dying.   The chemo has made me gain a lot of weight and I think that leads to my discomfort and scares me.  It's hard to tell what is from fluid and what is from the weight and what is normal anymore.

I haven't lost hope that my method is going to work.  I think the medicine I'm using needs to be in my system longer  to work. It will be challenging to continue to suffer and not want to give up on this one hope I have right now.  Pray for me.