Gratitutde

I have been thinking again about how grateful I am for so many things I have going on in my life right now.  This is the first summer since I don't know when, that I have been able to spend all my time with my kids and my mom!  She leaves on Monday (more on that later).  I have been feeling fairly good except for still being really tired.  I am still napping and I am not sure I will be able to do that after my mom leaves.

The diet is going really well.  It is pretty empowering.  I believe it is working, so that's all that matters I guess. I feel like I have control over something and that feels really good.  I am also exercising regularly (which I also don't know how to continue without my mom to babysit while I do so).  The exercise is very empowering as well. When I have to push through a hard run I just tell myself how good it is for my body to be pumping all this oxygen through it, cancer doesn't like oxygen, so take that, cancer!  I have been juicing every day and that always makes me feel good. It feels so good to take control over all these things and for that I am grateful.

Another thing I am grateful for is my sleep!  When I was on chemo I had a lot of difficulty sleeping.  I would wake up in the middle of the night for hours, not able to fall back asleep.  I can sleep all night now without that happening and still take naps.  It is a great thing to be able to sleep and for that I am grateful.

I am so grateful that I have such a loving and great husband.  He has been there for me through everything and been by my side whenever I needed him.  He has had to listen to the kids ask for me when I was sick in bed through chemo and be the one to tell them that mommy can't come read stories right now.  He has been a great father as always but has really handled everything with grace and I never have to worry about my kids hearts or heads when they are with him!  He has been a rock for me and without him I wouldn't be as strong as I am through all of this. 

And last but of course not least I am thankful for my mom.  She has basically turned her life upside down for me since September of last year. She has moved out here and gone home only for short periods of time to check on her business and her home.  She has been here through everything and for that I am eternally grateful.  She has slept in the hospital on tiny couches to keep me company and stay by my side.  She has held my hand, my head and my heart in hers and I know will always be there for me.  We both joke that hopefully she will only be back for vacations from now on but both know that probably won't be the case.   As I well know, the love for your children is something that nothing compares to.  Like I said earlier, I don't know how I will be able to nap without her here to babysit, how I will be able to run without her here to babysit and how I will be able to keep myself sane these last weeks of summer without my built in free nanny! 

Thank God for moms and of course thank you God for giving me the best one in the world, how could I be so lucky! :)

DOB: 7/22/1980

I feel like I have been asked my date of birth (DOB) a million times in the past year.  Every time the nurses give you chemo or any medication they have to verify your DOB.  Or even just checking you in for an apt, before they put your ID bracelet on you have to recite it.  Even just to make an apt or ask a Question, it's always ok, DOB please.  I feel like I have a new perspective on birthdays now.  They have never really haunted me or phased me In the past.  I am so fortunate to have found my husband by the age of 23.  I was married by age 26 and had my first beautiful healthy baby by age 28.  I've never felt like I should have done more than I had at each birthday and didn't mind turning 30 when I had everything I had ever wanted.  I know a lot of people dread birthdays but consider the alternative to not having one, yeah now be happy and celebrate that you just survived another year no matter what age because that's how I will feel next year!

I used to like to go out to eat for my birthday.  I have to admit I don't enjoy going out to eat as much now that I'm following a vegan diet.  I have to be one of Those people who picks and chooses things off the menu and alters their selection.  I want to explain to the poor waitress that I'm trying to save my own life and whip out an article on how vegan diets and juicing beets fights cancer because I'm a "cancer warrior" now!  (More on that term later)
I have had so many internal arguments with myself over calling myself a cancer survivor or using the phrase that I am "fighting cancer".  I have read that using negative connotation with cancer is not beneficial.  Having negative thoughts of any kind is not good for the head, body or soul.  We all know when you have cancer you dont need anything else against you, the cancer is enough.  So I have come up with the phrase that I have on the template of my blog "encounter with cancer".  I had journey on there for a while but felt that was too fun of a term.  I mean there's being positive and there's making cancer look like fun, lets be reasonable folks.  

So what's my problem with the term "cancer survivor"?  I don't have any issues with it except that I dont think it applies to me yet.  Technically I think I fall within the definition, at least  Wikipedia thinks so.  I just feel like I'm still currently "fighting" so I have dubbed the term "cancer warrior".  Feels more like an appropriate phrase and I think it's positive.  Now I just have to have my t-shirts made with the logo idea I have In my head.  No I'm not kidding, you want one?
Anyway I digress, happy birthday to me, the cancer warrior And may I soon feel like a cancer survivor who has won all the battles and the war!

Good News Finally!

What does a cancer patient say when they find out an MRI and CT scan picked up a blood clot on the liver and not a tumor?  They say yippeeee!!  The Dr called me and said that he had 2 radiologists read the MRI and they said it was a blood clot in my liver.  Apparently this is common after pelvic surgery like i just had and he said that it should resolve on its own.  I will get an MRI in 2 months to check on it. 
>DEEP BREATH<

The MRI yesterday, much like the last one, was very traumatic for me.  I get put inside this tiny tube for 30 mins and can't move.  And then as if that isn't enough they basically blast air horns at you for 30 mins.  Yes it is THAT loud! Seriously?  Having cancer and going through everything I've been through isn't enough, I have to endure this too??  Thankfully the Techs are super sweet and understanding.  I don't look forward to the next one but I will survive.

So finally some good news.   Please join me in smiling and cheering and being grateful and relieved and thankful.  Now I just need to get through this colonoscpy in August with clear results and we will all be breathing a little easier UNTIL the next scan, but that is my life now. 

MRI Today

I got an MRI today at 4 and we are still on for an apt tomorrow with my oncologist and they hope to have the results, so hopefully all this anxiety and worry will be resolved tomorrow with good news!

preliminary of scan

So Bryan and I both had the same opinion that we would just wait until Friday and not call to get results of my scan before then.  Then a few hours after the scan my oncologist calls me.  He told me that my lungs looked the same, awesome news!!  Everything else looked good except there is something on my liver and he wants me to get an MRI to get a better look.  He said the radiologist had just called him and wanted him to order the MRI and that it could possibly be a change in blood flow they are seeing.  I have no idea what that means exactly but let's hope it's that!

  I feel like we have been down this road before and I don't like where it ended so let's hope for a different path.  At least this time I know better and will only be making one trip to get the MRI done!  I am awaiting the phone call to schedule it and for now my Friday appointment is on hold until we can get this scheduled and get the results.

GI Dr

I met with my GI Dr today, the one that performed my colonoscopy last september and had the lovely pleasure of discovering my tumor.  The earliest he could move up my colonoscopy was Aug 15.  It is about 6 weeks earlier than the previously scheduled one, but not as soon as I was hoping.  He didn't seem horribly concerned yet of course he agreed we need to do a colonoscopy as soon as I could get in.  He was also very interested in seeing my scan i'm getting done tomorrow, so hopefully nothing lights up on that in that area or any other!
 
I have my scan tomorrow and then will meet with my oncologist Friday to discuss results, so hopefully I will have good news Friday!

vacation!

Well we had a great vacation!  First to Bryan's dads retirement party then onto Bryan's family's vacation place in the adirondack mountains.  We met some nice people and it was good to get away and spend time with family.  Bryan's mom and stepdad were there all week and then His dad and stepmom came up for our last night.

Unfortunately my symptoms seem to have gotten worse so I'm seeing my GI dr Tuesday and hoping to move up my colonoscopy to a closer date.

 On a positive note I had the most amazing vegan meals while I was gone.  The place we stayed at serves breakfast and dinner and they are traditional meat based American dinners.  I requested vegan food and got the best meals!  I did not miss the usual chicken and biscuits or turkey dinner that used to be my favorite. My favorite vegan meal was last nights sweet potato and red pepper quesadillas!

I think the best part of the vacation was the experience of being surrounded by people that I don't know and don't know anything about me and my cancer.  Normally this would not be the ideal situation I would feel comfortable being in.   I only talked to one person long enough for it to come up in conversation and share my story.  It was a weird feeling because there are lots of young families with kids that all seemed so happy.  I mean you're on vacation and your meals are being made for you, dishes are being done for you and you can wake up and walk down a short hill to the lake and beach, what more is there to ask for.  Bryan has been going there since he was in utero and it is his sanctuary.  Thankfully he seems willing to share his fortress of solitude and as this year was my 8th year going I found it to be very therapeutic as well. I would sit at the beach and wonder what everyone else had to deal with in their lives this past year.  Maybe they had a similar battle and survived to come here and we all deserve this week, these moments of time to relax.  It surprisingly seemed easy to escape from my head and body and just breath for a while without my cancer following me.

Back to reality at home I face a scan this coming week and hopefully a colonoscopy soon (never thought I'd say those words).  My life is not a vacation nor will it ever be, but neither is yours.  All we can do is take what we are given and  just keep living.

Plant Strong

My brother has been in town for almost 2 weeks now and he has been introducing me to some vegan recipes and of course more juicing.  The kids are joining in as well and love it despite protesting it is too loud!

I have registered for my retreat in September followed by my colonoscopy that I am due for, September 26.  But before all that, I have my next scan July 17, a few days after I return from vacation.  I have a drs apt to discuss the scan July 19.  I am really hoping this doesn't ruin my birthday on July 22nd, it will be hard to want to celebrate if they find something.    I have quite a few symptoms that could be related to the cancer coming back or could be totally unrelated so  it is very nerve racking.    I guess this will be the rest of my life! I also feel as though my neuropathy  just made a jump into getting much worse instead of better, which surprised me since it hadn't gotten worse in about a month.   
 
I am really trying hard to follow a vegan diet. Check this out. http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/2250052 I think the coolest thing about the study at the link above is that even after 2 weeks of changing their diet they noticed a significant difference in their bodies fighting off cancer!  Here is a vegan lasagna I made tonight, soooo good!

(recipe: http://engine2diet.com/recipe/raise-the-roof-sweet-potato-lasagna/ )

I am off for vacation in a few days and I am sure it will be challenging to follow my diet as well as be surrounded by strangers that have no idea the fight I have been living.  I just hope I can relax and enjoy my time with the kids and Bryan and forget about my worries for a little while, as hard as that may be.  Happy 4th of July everyone!