New Perch

I think I found my new favorite place to lay in the sun!

Oooh I love you Arizona!  It has been very relaxing here so far, just hanging out, visiting with family and friends and getting warm in the sun!  See the clouds in the picture??  That's right, because there aren't any, just sun!

Arizona here I come

I am leaving for Arizona in the morning.  I am sure the week is going to fly by!  I will miss my kids terribly but it will be good to get some relaxing time in the sun and get to walk outside!  Although I do love having a treadmill!  It will be so nice to not have to worry about my hands getting the daggers constantly and having to wear gloves everywhere, even in the house!  Here is my favorite place right now in my house!

I am mostly over the awfulness of this treatment.  Mondays I seem to be doing pretty well so hopefully getting up at 4am to catch our flight doesn't do me in for the day.  Have a good week everybody!

It's you, not me

If you click on the photo you can see the writing on the mask, it says, "it's you, not me"  I am leaving for Arizona on Monday and I am bringing masks for the airplane since I am pretty susceptible to illnesses while on chemo.  I am paranoid that people are going to think I have some contagious illness so I came up with "it's you, not me" but don't worry I don't think I'm really going to wear it.  I am more likely going to wear one that says, "I have cancer, what do you have?"  Kidding again, unless you think I should?

I felt sick before I even left the chemo chair today, so I am not excited about the next 5 days, but I have come home and eaten to help my stomach feel better... and to counteract all the food my boss let me borrow her treadmill!  We got it last night and I am so excited to be able to exercise right in our basement!  I am sure my mom the marathoner will get some use out of it too.  My neighbor let me borrow Downton Abbey, the first season, so I will have to set up the tv down there and try watching it.

Genetics and Radiation

The genetics appointment was very informative.  The geneticist drew a family tree and went over all my family genetics.  She is going to see if my insurance will cover doing a test called Next Generation Sequencing that will use 22 different genes related to colon, breast and ovarian cancer.  Hopefully my insurance will cover it.

The radiologist was also very informative.  He was able to give us some information on percentages related to how radiation would decrease recurrence.  It is actually more effective than I had thought but the benefits of having radiation are dependent on the location of where my cancer was.  He needs to meet with my surgeon to find out where exactly the lymph nodes were that were removed that were cancerous and also where exactly the tumor was.  If they decide that the location is in a place where they can do radiation it will reduce the chances of recurrence in the colon by 2/3.  They would also have me on an oral version of the chemo that I currently receive through the pump while I do radiation.  I am not excited about the fact that I for one, would have to do radiation at all (although it sounds like it might be a good idea now) but also not good news I would have to continue to be on chemo after i'm done with my infusions while I get the radiation.   This would all be after the lung surgery so the thoughts of radiation and more chemo afterward make my road seem pretty long and endless right now.
 
On another note, I saw this picture at the cancer center while I was there and found it amusing.

Pulmonologist

I had my pulmonologist appointment today.  He seemed to think that it is cancer in my lungs (the bigger nodule in my left lung).  He is not concerned at all about the smaller ones in the right, unless of course they grow.  He wants to wait to make any decisions until after I get another scan after I am done with my treatment in April.  It sounds like he agrees that the nodule should be removed if the chemo does not shrink it.  That's about all we got out of the appointment.  He mentioned biopsying it but I am not sure what I think of that.  There is a risk of collapsing my lung and also there can be false negatives from doing a biopsy.  So the only real way to tell what it is for sure is to take it out.  I do have to say he is in competition with being as nice as my oncologist though.  So if ever you need a pulmonologist, let me know!

halfway point

One of my mom's sisters who I am very close with was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in January of last year. I remember thinking, if I ever went through anything like that, I would finally be reading again, watching all my silly shows on netflix all the time and and watching movies like crazy. Alas, I hadn't been doing any of those things, until recently! I just hadn't been able to concentrate enough until recently. I am on my second book and totally lost in it, which is great for my head lately. I also just went to the movies for the first time in forever and it was so great to get fully submerged into something besides my life for once. I had a rough weekend, being really fatigued and the book and the movie really helped me get "out of my head" for a while. I am trying to take it day by day but it's hard to think that way when I am at the half way point and I know that I have to go through what I just went through all over again for another 12 weeks.

This week I have 3 drs appointments! I need to schedule them on my good weeks so they all ended up on the same week some how. I am seeing a pulmonologist tomorrrow as a second opinion on my lungs. I am very excited about this because a friend strongly recommended this Dr and when I brought his name up to my oncologist he immediately lit up and said I love him I will get you an apt right away! and he did!

I am also seeing a radiologist this week. I am curious to hear his opinion on radiation and my lungs. I am also seeing a genetic counselor to have some genetic testing done.

In other news, my hair has stopped growing so lets just hope that means just that and that it won't fall out!

doing ok

This round seems to be treating me a little better than last time, which seems to be my pattern.  I am just grateful that's where I am right now, day by day right?!  (sometimes hour by hour)  Hopefully it continues to make me not so nauseous and not toooo tired!

Pre-chemo slums

I have noticed that I start to get anxious and sad about getting the next treatment the day before.  This week I feel like it started two days before, unfortunately.  It's kind of like gearing up to get the flu for the 6th time and know that you're going to be in bed for the next 5 days.  The one good thing is that I do know it's going to happen so it doesn't take me off guard and I can prepare. 

I stock up on the things I know that will appeal to me to eat and drink.  Since I can't drink anything even room temperature after the treatment, it has to be slightly warm, it takes some creativity when you're nauseous to find warm things to drink.  I have to stay hydrated to flush the chemo out and I find that hard to do on tea, it's just not as easy to drink as much for me.  Thankfully this side effect goes away after like 8-10 days so I can enjoy cooler things again for a few days before I have to start all over again.   I wish I could capture the look on peoples faces at restaurants the few times I've gone out.  I ordered iced tea once and asked for it without the ice and the waitress said, "you know that will be room temperature?" and I replied, "that's perfect!" and she looked at me funny and politely agreed to get my weird request. 

So to get tomorrow out of my mind I'm doing something I never do and my mom and I are going to the mall today!  Perhaps some retail therapy will do the trick.  I feel like I have to get out of the house because this is the best I am going to feel physically before it starts all over again.  I might even enjoy a cold beverage while I'm out (and I'm not talking alcohol, you know me)!  Yeah I know, really living it up, iced tea with ice!

Happy New Year!

I am finally feeling better!  I had a rough week last week.  It seems as though every other treatment really hits me hard and this was one of those.  I was feeling yucky for 5 days and didn't do much, my stomach was off and I was just exhausted.  I am doing better now though, and had a nice New Years Eve!

In all of my sitting around I have finally done some reading.  My friend Sherri gave me this book, "When God and Cancer meet".  It is the first book I have read since I got sick.  I just haven't been able to concentrate well enough to read and this one finally caught my attention.  The author had colon cancer when she was 36 and had 3 girls and our stories have so many parallels it was hard to put the book down.

This leads me to my next segway of my last chemo treatment.  There was a woman who was being brought into one of the rooms they use as a recovery room for when you are having a rough bout with your treatment and need to come in for IV fluids and use a stretcher.  This is where I ended up 2 days after my first treatment and I wondered if this was her first week as well.  She was being wheeled in a wheel chair into one of these rooms sobbing and was on the phone.  All I caught of the conversation was her saying, "All these people are praying for me, but how am I supposed to believe in God?"

I feel like maybe 10 years ago I would have been right there with her saying, yeah seriously?!  But since I have found our church and really come to understand how God loves us I have a different perspective.  I have a very different understanding of how God and Cancer work and after reading this book it has really helped me put into words how I have felt about everything I have been going through. 

It is so much easier to just accept what has been handed to me and know that everything is out of my control.  It sounds hard to do but once you do it, you feel a sense of relief and a weight lifted.  I am not responsible or in control of my cancer.  It didn't do anything to deserve this path I am on, it just is what it is.  God is in control.  It's kind of like when you're too tired to drive on a long road trip and you are so grateful that you have someone else entrusted with the job.  I mean who can you trust more than God.  You can just sit back, relax, dose off if you need to (I do a lot of dosing off) and just know that you have put your life in God's hands and it couldn't be more right.  God will take me down the journey and I will get there how I get there and I will challenge Drs along the way and I will take responsibility for my path where I can but for the most part this is between cancer and God and I am ok with that.  A higher power might as well be in control because this is too much for me to take on by myself even with my friends and family being behind me 110%!