I chose Heaven over Mars

http://www.texasmonthly.com/story/honey-i-want-move-mars

grass is always greener

You ever play that game, "would you rather?"  Sometimes I do it with cancer.  I have to say, cancer always loses.  I would always rather have something else that doesn't involve death at the end, obviously.  So like the title of this post, the grass is always greener.  Obviously these other ailments I come up with involve pain and suffering but they're not what I have, or what I've experienced so it must not be as bad, but who knows.  We all have our ailments we suffer with and have to deal with and life just isn't fair, I learned that one a while ago.

It isn't without its blessings though.  We have this book we've been working on with my daughter Elly, who is 5.  The book is about someone with a serious illness in the family and it is made for children to cope with loss and change.  It asks her to lists the changes our family has gone through since I became sick and then we circle those changes based on how hard they are for her or possibly put boxes around them if they are good changes.  We decided my mom moving in was a good change and that me not working anymore was a good thing because I got to spend more time with her.  The hard to deal with changes were that mommy used to be happy and that mommy goes to the Dr a lot and that is hard for her.  The fact that my daughter thinks I used to be happy was a really hard one for me.  But this book in itself is a blessing if we can work through these things together.

I have to say I am usually in a pretty bad mood the sunday before monday chemo.  Need I explain more on that?   I had a good week, I was really active and it was great to be out of the house so much because all last week I was in bed and I imgaine that this next week will be the same.  I cancelled my MRI apt on friday because it was supposed to be gorgeous out and I did not want to spend one of my "good" days at Dana Farber!!!  I went shopping instead!  Of course one reason I cancelled is because my leg wasn't bothering me much and then last night I ended up in the chair again because of it, go figure.  I really think I have a tumor pushing on a nerve and if the MRI confirmed that, honestly I'm not sure what good that would do me.  When the nurse requested the MRI she didn't go over what it would show and how it would be helpful, that would have been too convenient.

I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping, I am completely exhausted and wiped on and off throughout the day and for some reason I have trouble sleeping at night.  Even my good week involves only being able to do short lengthed activities and needs to involve a lot of sitting or laying down.  Because of this I need help with the kids even on my good weeks.  I am still working on gaining back my strength from when I got really sick a month or so ago and lost lots of muscle.  My kids are too heavy for me to carry most of the time which always makes me sad.  Part of that is that they're getting bigger but my son is only 3!  He is allowed to want to be carried still I think.

As I'm blogging this I'm feeling like i'm just starting to list a bunch of complaints so I feel as though I should end this.  We had an amazing night last night at a friends house doing a bondfire and singing and prayer for me.  What a blessing to have so many that show their love constantly and lighten my heart.  Thanks everyone who came.  Let's focus on the good!

I need a filter change

So I had this realization last night that I need a filter change.  What am I talking about?  Well, I realized that I have a filter that every thought goes through and it gets put into two categories, chemo or cancer.  I am going to try to explain this the best I can.  Anything and everything I talk about, think about, relates back to these two things for me.  I never really thought about it before, until I realized that I couldn't really help myself. 

Here's an example of the cancer thoughts:  Bryan and I had our 8 year anniversary yesterday.  We had an amazing lunch out at the Boat House Restaurant and sat by the water in the sun and it was just absolutely amazing.  Couldn't have been more perfect.  Then I say, "we should do this every year!"  And immediately I catch myself and think, will I be here next year?  Or the year after that?  Now I'm sad, I've ruined this moment that I was in because I wanted to think about the future and that makes me sad because it is so unknown. 

Anytime someone references anything in the distant future it gives me a lump in my throat.  Will I be here?  How old will the kids be?  Will they remember me?

Now here's an example of the chemo thoughts:  I can't get away from planning my life around chemo.  Anything and everything anyone asks me to do or attend revolves around, will I feel good enough?  Do I have chemo that week?  Can I attend my daughters open house?  Can I attend my son's music performance?  Can I go to that Cinderella Play that I booked 3 months ago with friends, will I feel good enough?  Do I want go to lunch next week with friends? Yes, but can I?

I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, this is just my life.

Photo from Yesterday, 8 years!

Had a good day

I am a week out from chemo and I walked the beach today, went to lunch and had a really good day.  More than I had done all last week for sure!  I just wanted to tell everyone that I was smiling today! :)

Acts of kindness

So many of you have reached out to me in so many ways!  We had someone completely decorate our front steps for fall!  People are dropping off gifts left and right, fun spoil me gifts and needed ones like water and snacks.  Thank you all so much for your generosity and thoughtfulness!  It truly warms my heart!

really nauseas

I had an OK day yesterday, not great.  I had this weird vision thing I get and we can't figure out exactly what it's from and still working on how to correct it.  It is gone today so far, so we'll see. 

Hoping for a nice Fall day where I can at least get outside to sit for a little bit.  Today please pray for my nausea and my heart, it feels heavy today.

MRI

So as I lay in my chair at 3am I realize I'll probably be awake for 2 hrs because this what the steroids do to me.  (Why not blog?! )However we think the steroids helped last time so its hard to not take them.  The reason I'm sleeping in the recliner is that I have the sciatic pain back that shoots down my leg.  I have seen 2 chiropractors who couldn't help me.  Now the oncologist wants to do an MRI of my spine to see what's going on.  Likely there are tumors pressing on nerves.

I'm really looking forward to the Fall and hoping I'm feeling good for all the festivals and the weather.  Last year on our 7 year anniversary, September 23, i found out the cancer was back everywhere in my abdomen. Lets hope this 8 year mark is a little better.  We have a few weddings to go to and that's always exciting!

Back to sleep, I hope!  God bless everyone!  I hope you're sleeping!

I like this song

A dear Aunt sent this a few weeks back, I love the lyrics of the song and the cute claymation doesn't 
Hurt.  I'm trying to take in the good!!
http://www.rickhanson.net/resources-children/taking-good-claymation/

Chemo tomorrow...

I wanted to make sure I blogged just so everyone knows that I am getting treatment tomorrow.  I ended up with a nasty virus and I am finally starting to feel better so I am very reluctant to give up this foreign feeling of not being miserable only to start all over.  I am having a very hard day today with this so please pray for strength.

Hey thanks to all the Bills and Tinas!

So my 3 year old has taken to calling anyone and everyone Bill or Tina. He thinks he's pretty hilarious and frankly so do I.   Hence the title of this post.  I felt compelled to blog and thank every Bill and Tina who has been praying for me.  I had a decent day today, I even ate a sandwich!  I feel as though there is some light today and that's a lot to be thankful for!

half a day at a time

I have been so reluctant to blog because I haven't had the heart to sit here and tell you all what I have been experiencing and going through the past week, mentally and physicaly.  But alas you are my loyal followers and I know you're still there and you deserve an update!

I was violently ill this past week with vomiting and sweats and misery.  I was in bed for a week from the chemo and that was only from the pump drug not the main ingredient that used to make me really sick.  We aren't sure if all of my symptoms are from the chemo, the chemo and the cancer, or both.  I have a new tumor that feels very large that pushes on my diapgrham.  I am not sure if this is the root of my eating problems but I have a very hard time eating and keeping food down.  This has been going on for like a month, the eating problems.

I have a constant internal struggle about how much suffering is worth staying here on Earth for.  I love my children and my husband my family so dearly but the suffering is just too much sometimes and fogs my head and makes me feel torn between just wanted to go to heaven to be at peace FINALLY and to end the suffering that seems to be so constant for me.

As I tucked my daughter in last night she said, "mom do you think you'll be sick tomorrow?"  Please pray for a good day, positive energy, hope and light.  Please pray for my eating and my children and my family.