The Green Castle bucket

When I got home monday from boston and getting chemo, I was so nauseas I could barely make it to bed.  Bryan grabbed this bucket from the garage, a green bucket that is used to make sand castles in the summer with the kids.  I brought it upstairs and it is still sitting next to my bed (I can't seem to remember to bring it back in the garage every time I go downstairs).
 
When I was sick monday and was running to the bathroom it upset my daughter.  Daddy explained that my tummy wasn't feeling well and she burst into tears saying, "I know mommy doesn't feel good!"  Then the next day she was asking me why I had a sand castle bucket in my room?  "That doesn't belong there, mom," she said.   No, it doesn't, and so many things in my life right now don't belong where they are.  I don't belong in bed for a week every other week, but thats where I am.  It's so hard to explain these things to a 5 year old.  Bryan met someone at the conference who grew up with both of their parents having cancer, and she thought everyone's parents had cancer, it was just part of her life.  I don't think I want that for Elly, but if it feels normal and it makes things easier than she can believe what she needs to for now. 

I keep staring at that darn green bucket every time I try to rest in my room.  It daunts me, makes me think of being sick and I can't seem to get it out of my head.  This vacation will be such a good break from chemo and life here, we need a change.  There isn't much we can change but we can get out of here for a while and go to arizona and pretend things are normal and be in the sun!

OK time to go put that bucket back where it belongs, put away for to wait for summer!