roller coasters

I have never been a fan of roller coasters.  I feel like my life has been an emotional roller coaster the last 6 months or so.  When I feel so good on my good weeks its hard not to be smiling all the time because I don't feel ill!  And then when I realize I only have a few more days of this feeling I start to get sad and anxious about my next treatment.  I start to feel sick before I even get the actual chemo in the IV, probably when they start with the anti-nausea is when I start to feel ill.  Then by the time we leave there I am ready to just be in bed and can't wait to get home to start my next days of just sitting/laying in bed cause it's all I can do. 

Each time I get a treatment the nurse goes over a slue of questions about how the last treatment was. They involve things such as: were you nauseas? whats your emotional distress on a scale of 1-10?  The guy that is often sitting in the room next to me to get his chemo treatment is probably around 80.  Actually I know he is because I heard him give his birth date last time.  His answer to these questions is always no nausea and no emotional distress.  I wish I could be in his boat!  I don't know if he's lying, which I don't think he is, he seems like a decent guy that would answer the questions honestly.  But perhaps when I'm 80, chemo wouldn't really phase me either, but at this point in my life it's rocking my boat!  He also goes home with the pump like I do for 2 days and he talks about it like he doesn't even notice the thing, I wish!

I feel like after my last apt with the oncologist that he is just so used to patients who are older and don't have little kids and a job to get back to and don't have 4-6 weeks to just wait for surgery!  The visiting nurse that comes to take off my pump told me that I'm her only patient under like 60 and she has a lot of patients! 

I have heard lots of people say that 1 in 3 people will end up with cancer.  If this is true I guess I pray that I am getting my turn out of the way early and I can live the rest of my life full of scans and colonoscopys that come back cancer free.  And I pray that the other 2 of the three are my children and they never have to go through this.  So hopefully when I'm 80 I will not be getting chemo even if it wouldn't phase me and I can be retired and hanging out with my grandkids! I just pray I don't feel like I'm 80 by the time all of this chemo/radiation treatment is all over. 


"You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. "~Douglas MacArthur