my full time job

I went to a work Christmas party last night.  I miss working to do a degree, I miss the social aspect and I really did love what I did, so I do miss that.  I love the company I worked for and all the friends I worked with.   I am grateful that I get to spend so much time with my kids though.  I feel like my new full time job is being sick, or should I say, getting better.

The first year I was out on long term disability and I would dread the phone call from the guy assigned to harass me to make sure that I was really still sick and needed to be out.  Now I'm on disability through the government and since my status is considered metastatic they do not harass me anymore, which is nice.

Some days I truly wonder where the time goes.  I do of course have two small ones to look after so that is where most of my time goes.  Even being in the hospital for treatment and being gone for 12 hours it seems to go by fast, I think there is like a hospital time warp or something.  Anyone else know what I'm talking about?

I day dream about getting cured and if I would ever want to work again.  I picture myself being super skinny and drinking only green drinks and being the weird lady that lives on the corner of Acorn and Carriage that juices all day and only eats raw vegetables.  I could start a blog about how I beat cancer and share all my juicing recipes...aaah maybe some day...

Then there's the days where I wonder if I'll be here in a year.  What dying is like and how I really don't think I can handle chemo again if/when it comes to that.  When I feel good and attend events like the Christmas party it is just so hard to believe the life I really live and the prognosis I fight daily.

But alas, these are the cards I was dealt and this is the job I do every day.  There is so much suffering in the world, and I don't have it as bad as some people.  I type these words nestled in my living room with my warm laptop heating my lap, sitting on a couch with heat in my home as it is FREEZING outside.  My christmas tree glistens in the corner of my eye along with my family snuggling on the couch watching Frosty the Snowman.  Doesn't sound so bad does it?